One of the biggest surprises to greet our little family in 2014 was the news that we were expecting our second child. We’d been going through a particularly tough time as I struggled to finish my Diploma of Children’s Services, and much like my pregnancy with Ivan I started noticing little niggling things that wouldn’t go away. I was tired all the time. I couldn’t collect my thoughts or focus on my TAFE work, and getting anything done on my Diploma was a huge struggle. My anxiety levels about everything went absolutely through the roof, and I found myself wanting to eat only particular foods. I kept writing these things off as just being due to stress, and reaching my burnout point after spending six months pushing myself to finish my TAFE work – especially since I had taken a pregnancy test & it had been negative. Looking back now, I would have been about 4 weeks pregnant when I took that test. Confident that I wasn’t pregnant, I pushed the thought out of my mind and hoped that things would improve after I finished my TAFE work. Time wore on, things didn’t improve and I realised that I couldn’t remember my last period. I took another test, and it was positive almost before I peed on the damn thing. A few doctors appointments, blood tests and a dating scan later and we found out that I was already almost 11 weeks pregnant!
This pregnancy has been so much easier than my pregnancy with Ivan. I haven’t had any morning sickness this time, no constant head spins. Last time my feet started swelling so badly at 15 weeks that they bruised, and I’d gained 10 kilos already by 20 weeks. I’m now 23 weeks with Peanut, yet to have any swollen feet, and also yet to actually gain any weight, although my belly is popping out much quicker this time. I also don’t think I’ve been quite as much of an insufferable bitch this time, but you’d have to ask Shannon about that. Most of my memory from my pregnancy with Ivan is sickness, discomfort, fear, incredible pain, and me just hoping that the whole thing would be over with as quick as possible. I feel like I am actually enjoying this pregnancy a lot more, savoring the experience. The main symptom I have been having is a huge increase in my anxiety levels – especially since our 20 week scan, but I’ll get to that.
Three weeks ago we went for our 20 week morphology scan, and found out that Peanut is (most likely) a boy! It seems like people expect me to be upset about this, but I’m stoked to be having another little guy. I’m already sewing for him, whenever I actually get some spare time. Working full-time, mothering a two year old, and growing a baby is freaking exhausting. I’m excited about the sewing though, as Peanut is going to be an opposite season baby to Ivan – he is due in June, and Ivan was born in February, which is a good excuse to sew Peanut his own fabulous newborn wardrobe. Obviously, we are still searching for the right name for our little Peanut as well. I think we have a pretty strong contender right now, but we’ll see.
We also got some rather unexpected news at our 20 week scan. Peanut was being very uncooperative, so this image above is the best one we managed to get, but it appears that he may have a cleft just like me. I really don’t know how to feel about this. I don’t love my son any less than I did, and I’m not any less excited about his arrival, but my heart aches for the ways that his life will be harder than Ivan’s. I feel guilty for passing this on to my child, and I feel guilty because he has a cleftless sibling to compare himself to. I feel guilty about lots of things. My anxiety levels were already raised during this pregnancy, but since this scan they have gone absolutely fucking nuts. I’m struggling to leave the house, struggling to get through the day. It also blows our plans for his birth out of the water. We were hoping to birth in a hospital an hour from home (the closest birthing hospital to us), which has quite a good reputation for supporting natural birth & that only accepts low-risk patients. Now, we have been told that we will probably have to birth in Brisbane in case of complications with feeding Peanut, and so that he can be assessed by specialists soon after birth. This means a long trip away from home, birthing in an unfamiliar hospital with unfamiliar staff, which makes me uncomfortable after my birth experience with Ivan. I am doing my best to remain positive though, and we have a follow-up scan this week, which should hopefully give us more information. Welcome to the family Peanut, we can’t wait to meet you.